The Stages of a Breakup

Often, the stages that you go through after a relationship breakup are very similar to what you go through when you receive any other type of terminal diagnosis. A person often goes through the same common five stages of grief… denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance… just a they would with other life-threatening situations.

These stages of grief are very real. However, it’s important to remember that these five stages of grief are not experienced in exactly the same way, or even in the exact same order for everybody. Many times, people end up hitting the denial and bargaining stages before they get around to any of the other stages. And this can cause a lot of problems, because what ends up happening is that a person continues to try to revive a relationship that really might be over for good. Let’s review these five stages of grief, and how they relate to a relationship breakup:

#1 – Denial

You can’t even believe that it might be over. All you can think of is how much you want to contact your ex… even if they aren’t trying to contact you.

#2 – Bargaining

You spend a great deal of time and energy trying to think of ways to still make the relationship work.

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#3 – Depression

You start to lose hope, and feel like maybe there’s nothing you can really do that will change your ex’s mind.

Maybe that’s as far as we should go. Let’s vow to stop this vicious cycle before you even get to the anger stage.

In the case of a breakup, one of the most important things you need to remember is to take care of yourself. Relationships may come and go, but you always have to take care of yourself first, no matter what.

Make sure you appreciate yourself for just being you. Don’t count on other people, even if it’s your “special someone”, to appreciate you. The only person you can really count on when the chips are down is yourself. When you’re in love with somebody, there is this constant effort to get an affirmation from them that they are in love with you too. You might even love yourself, and realize what a great person you are… but still you feel that you need to get the assurance that somebody else thinks you’re wonderful too. Although it’s easy to get into this vicious cycle, you need to try to take care of yourself, and don’t let yourself be too vulnerable to that kind of thinking.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to just feel good about being you. Find the strength within yourself to handle whatever life brings your way. You need to have the self-assurance that comes with knowing you have the confidence to handle any situation… even when you are in a situation where your relationship is going through tough times, or even if you fear it might actually be over. Don’t let yourself be intimidated by these kinds of thoughts and these types of situations. Find the strength which you know you have deep down inside that it takes to handle these types of situations with poise, confidence and self-assurance.

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Dealing with Breakup’s : How to move on

How to move on after breakup

Going through a breakup ? There are several things you can do.

A breakup is always painful, who ever said that it isn’t? It will only be a life-excruciating experience if you’ve loved so much and lost. So while you are in the process of waiting if indeed he or she will ever come back, or after reading those breakup how-tos now is the time to wait, it is essential that you get your life back first and really heal – before yet another relationship with him.

1.      Do something new. Whether it’s a new haircut, a new look, or an entirely new wardrobe, or changing into a better identity, go ahead, you well deserve it.

2.      Pamper yourself. Treat yourself into a nice hot fudge sundae, your favorite chocolate bar, into an exotic spa, or a little retail therapy. Keyword here is “little”, and not “indulge”. If you want to indulge, then go ahead. Just make sure you won’t do it everyday for 2months straight.

3.      Feel better. Whether score that major account at work or impress your clients with a killer presentation, or visiting a long lost friend, go for the one thing that will make you feel better. It’s not only diverting from pain but hey, it’s a good way to divert.

4.      Restore the glorious you. If before you were the glamorous chic turned into a wrinkled housewife, this is now your chance to restore, if not improve, on the better you.

5.      Exercise. Sweating it all off is a really good way to get rid of depression. The more you exercise, the more happy hormones are released (I think I read this somewhere..?) Though not entirely, but will help you a great deal to make yourself feel better.  Especially when you see those sexy abs waiting for a perfect bikini and say, hey. I’m hotter now.

6.      Undertake a new adventure. It may not be your character but doing something exciting and exhilarating works wonders. Whether that be skydiving, rock climbing, seeing something really impressive, or surfing for the first time, that is surely another way to feel so good about yourself.

7.      Get into a new sport, language or hobby. Whether it be cross-stitching, stamp or coin collecting, learning French or Italian, or as extreme as rappelling or hang gliding, something new is always fun.

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How To Stop The Fighting In Your Relationships

For some couples fighting is the fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares. Many are determined to win a battle that never ends. Others try to right the wrongs they have experienced in the past with someone new. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is doomed to failure. When we bring baggage from a former relationship into the present, all new relationships simply become a continuation of the past.

What People Get Out of Fighting

It is important to understand why couples keep fighting. For some fighting is a fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares, things aren’t really over, and sparks still fly between them. Fighting can keep these couples bonded, causing them to think about each other a great deal.

Some love power struggles. They love winning and feeling power over the other. This makes them feel strong.Fighting can easily become a habit, something individuals fall into automatically and instinctively. Needless to say, fighting prevents real communication from developing. It is a way of threatening or blaming the other. Rather than really addressing issues, it causes a situation to remain stuck.

Without a good fight, a relationship is over,” says Mary, a twenty six year old administrative assistant. “The lights have gone off between us. It’s a sign my partner no longer cares.”

Mary, who was recently divorced and is now in another choppy relationship feels that eventually she’ll marry a man with whom she can fight – and survive the storms. “ I respect a guy who I can fight with, who can take me as I am.”

For Mary being angry, fighting and winning has became her identity. Without it, she no longer knows who she truly is. She does not see price she is paying for this kind of relationship or what toll it takes on all concerned.

Unfortunately, the anger many individuals live with on a daily basis can become crystallized into their identity. Once this identity becomes habitual, the individuals soon have no idea who they would be without it. Needless to say, this blocks out much of the happiness, flexibility, communication and intimacy they desire.

“I’m not letting her walk all over me,” Roger would balk whenever his ex wife expressed her needs to him now, or brought up any issue. Rather than listening to what she had to say, he immediately took it as criticism. “She’s trying to tell me I’m inadequate,” he would declare. The war was on. What started as a conversation, turned into a power struggle. From Roger’s point of view, his very manhood was at stake.

However, as long as any of us hold onto our anger and continue fighting, there is no hope of working the problems through, or even truly understanding what is really going on. Roger could not pause and realize that his partner’s needs and feelings had nothing to do with him. He was determined to take whatever she said or did personally and keep feeling badly about himself. These are many consequences when we cling to anger and allow it to turn into our sense of who we are.

Beyond that, it’s impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have put forth. “As you sow, so shall you reap,” is an immutable law of living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior it is absolutely inevitable that we will experience the consequences of our thoughts, actions and deeds. Depression arises, hopelessness and the inability to love again.

There are many steps involved in letting go of anger. The very first step is to realize that anger is a toxin. It is not a source of strength or power, but can become an addiction, a substitute for true power and wisdom, something that hinders our well being and stops our life from going forward.

There are definite steps we can take to undo anger. And in order to begin a new chapter and to build a positive relationship both with ourselves and others, it is necessary to begin this process.
Here are a few steps one can take to begin. They are taken from The Anger Diet which offers one step a day for thirty days. These following guidelines are simple, but powerful. Why not try them today and see.

Putting An End To The War

1)Stop Blaming – It is absolutely pointless for you to blame yourself or the other. Blame stops you from seeing the truth. While we are engaged in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. TAKE A VACATION FROM BLAME FOR ONE DAY.  Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the ways in which they have been kind.

2)Realize The Price You Are Paying For These Fights Unless we truly realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically.  Honestly take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to your body, mind and spirit. Then ask do I truly want this?  Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?

3) Know There Is A Better Way – You have to become aware that there is a better way to be in a relationship. This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other tools and techniques which will de-escalate anger and make a positive relationship possible for you.

4)Build A Strong Sense of Self-Worth

The basis of all good relationships is a feeling of worthiness, a desire to honor, gift and pleasure yourself, and to do the same for the other.        Choose this kind of relationship and let go of all that opposes it.

As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness and love, that is what will fill our lives.